Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Not Myself...Whoever THAT Is

At the end of a temple event-planning event--after a full day of work and right before a religious school committee meeting--I said to my friend, "If I don't send you that email we were discussing within the next 24 hours, don't hesitate to remind me. I've been letting a lot of threads drop lately, and sometimes I just need a nudge."

She looked at me with genuine concern. "Dropping threads?" she said. "That's not like you."

It's not? Really? Because as far as I'm concerned, that pretty much DEFINES me.

But it made me think. Earlier in the day, I'd walked into my friend's office to show her some changes I'd made to a press release. Another of our friend-colleagues was already in there, chatting away. Both women looked at me when I walked in, the papers in my outstretched hands.

"What's up with you?" Friend One said, before I'd uttered a word.

"You don't seem like yourself," Friend Two agreed.

Not like myself? What is myself like? And in what way am I so very much Not Like That these days that my not-selflikeness can be recognized in under a second?

Yeah, there's been a lot of stress...but not more than that of, say, the last seven or eight years. Yeah, I'm not greeting every day with a smile and a song...but I never have. (Nor can I stand people who do. I trust no one who's able to be cheerful before noon.) So how is now different than almost every single day of then?

All I could think, by the end of the day today, is that whoever that "like myself" person was, that person I've obviously left behind of late...well, I want to meet her. Maybe she could give me some pointers on how to do a better job of being me. Because, clearly, I'm falling down on the job.


Niksmom said...

Ugh. I hate hearing those kind of comments, too. Nebulous and unhelpful, they always make me wonder "Do I look that bad/sound that tired?" or "Am I wearing someone else's clothes again??" ;-)

We'll take you however you are. :-)

Jordan said...

Hmm. That does sound mystifying. Maybe they could tell you - ? Either way, as Niksmom said, you're always okay with us!

Jane said...

Oh, poo, you like me and I'm quite cheerful before noon. In fact, I go downhill as the day goes on. I even say "good morning!" to people in the halls!

Ambre said...

The word is "preoccupied." You usually task-shift quite well, but right now one task is overwhelming your mind to the expense of all others.

I don't think it means you are not yourself. I think it means you have some heavy shit laying on you right now. And, no, I don't think the shit that has been laying on you for the past 8 years really compares, this shit is more distracting and difficult to convince yourself to not devote all of your brain power to.