Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Mother of the Year...For Reals

What you think to yourself when your son announces how urgently he has to pee, despite the fact that you reminded him to go 37 times before getting into the car: Fraggamaggafriggamurgh. And also, would it be really wrong to strangle him just for a few seconds? Yeah, I guess it would.

What you say out loud when your son announced how urgently he has to pee, despite the fact that you reminded him to go 37 times before getting into the car: I reminded you to go 37 times before getting into the car. [Big sigh.] Let me know when you can't hold it any more.

What you do when he tells you, four seconds later, that he can't hold it any more: Pull over to the side of the rush-hour-trafficky freeway, sigh very deeply several times in a row, roll down your window, take the top off your travel coffee mug, pour out the leftover coffee, and silently hand the mug to your son.

What your son does when you do this: Stare at you blankly.

What your daughter does when you do this: Stare at you in absolute horror.

What you do when they stare at you: Tell your son in a very grim voice to get it over with already. Tell your daughter that it's one of the benefits of being a boy, and that if she needs to go, she's shit out of luck. And yes, you use those very words.

What you do when your son finishes peeing in your travel coffee mug: Put the cap back on the top, put the mug in the cup holder, rejoin the barely moving traffic.

What you hear from the seat behind you: Your son, sighing deeply, and saying, "Oh, that is SO much better." Your daughter, in a high squeaky voice, repeating over and over again, "Ew. Ew. Ew."

What you do when you finally pull into the driveway of your home: Turn around to both children and say, "Throughout the rest of your lives, whenever you are pissed at me and thinking that I don't love you, that I don't care about you, that I am selfish or mean or whatever...I want you to think back to this very moment, the moment I ALLOWED YOU TO PEE IN MY COFFEE MUG, and take it all back."

What they do in response: Giggle. And then nod. And then get out of the car as fast as they possibly can, running into the house screaming, "Dad, guess what Mom did...!"

What you do with the travel coffee mug: Consider burning it. Then, take it into the house, pour its contents into the toilet, turn on the hot water in the kitchen sink, pour a capful of bleach into the mug, and leave it there with the near-boiling water running into it for 15 minutes. The next three times you run a load through the dishwasher, the mug will be in there. And from then on, every time you make your morning coffee, think about how you deserve a reward. No. A fucking MEDAL, you deserve.


Leila said...

This one had me laughing so hard I started to cry.

PnP said...

O.K. so remind me to have you point out exactly WHICH mug it was next time I am over 'cause EW. And, why didnt you just fling open the door and have the kid squirt out the door. Seriously isnt that one of the benefits of the little boy anatomy! And, EW, are you seriously gonna be able to drink coffee outta that mug again!!!



Ambre said...

I'm with Em.


Karyn said...

You are fantastic!

lara said...

You are an awesome Mom.

And since urine is sterile, if anything, your coffee mug is better for it!

Anonymous said...

I think I would have opted for open door, pee in dirt, or throwing the travel mug in the garbage. You are a brave woman.

kris said...

i'd use the mug again, it's pee, and you washed it...who cares. but i would have made him pee out the door of the car. into the dirt...

po said...

That's what the side of the road is FOR, to be peed upon by little boys :D! Hell, I remember peeing on the side of the freeway myself when I was little. The 101.

And, EW! :D I know what I'm getting you for the holidays!

Meg said...

My boys still talk about the Sears parking lot incident every time we pass the store. Same sort of story, my youngest had to go so badly, store was closed and it was raining too hard to push a 5yo out to pee in the rain. Lucky for me, I had a disposable cup. My middle son was totally grossed out. I can so relate, except I think I would have thrown away the travel mug. No amount of bleach could erase that picture of cup full of pee. Thanks for the laugh.

Maddy said...

Mom of the year award for that one!

Laura said...

I say toss the mug. You'll never be able to look at it the same again! Your morning coffee will forever be ruined in it. LOL!!!