Monday, January 5, 2009

Be Good

I've decided I need to stop trying to do everything, and actually BE GOOD at one thing. Or maybe two.

It's the first day back in the office. It's too soon. Or maybe it's been too long. Somewhere, I've lost the thread of gratefulness--for a job, for a regular paycheck, for something interesting to do--and all I can see is where I'm not. Home. With my kids.

I spent entirely too much time this vacation on a freelance project for which I apparently underbid; it turned out to take up much more of my time than I'd assumed. It's because I can't do things halfway, which is a good thing, I know. Or at least I believe that to be the case. Or at least I need to believe that to be the case. But sitting here this morning, realizing how much of my vacation was consumed by that not-doing-things-halfway deal, I began to get a little sad. Which of course began to snowball into a lot of sad, since that's what sadness does. My little I-wasted-time sad became why-aren't-I-using-that-time-to-do-things-I-really-WANT-to-do sad (answer: because the things I want to do don't pay, or at least don't pay in time for the mortgage this month or next). Which quickly branched off into why-isn't-my-blog-what-I-want-it-to-be sad (answer: because I don't put enough time into it)
, and why-haven't-I-written-a-novel-yet sad (answer: see previous). Which sprouted a few even smaller branches of sadness, involving things I'd like to read, and crafts I'd like to do, and ways I'd like to be there for my children but am not. Each of them with their own version of sad.

And so I tweeted:
I've decided I need to stop trying to do everything, and actually BE GOOD at one thing. Or maybe two.

Which is all well and good, especially at this time of year. Sure, it's a few days late for resolutions and goals, but I'm well within the overall time frame. I could take this one on, make it my own, try to get rid of the sad by pursuing ways to be Not Sad.

Except even in my resolution, I'm wavering. One thing...or two. Truth is, I don't even know which one I want to do. And if I did, I'm not sure I have a clue as to how to do it. How DO you take a five-year-old blog (or at least a five-plus-year history of blogging) and make it stand out, make it work for you? How DO you find the time for a novel when all the other immediate needs crowd out any time you might be able to make for it? How DO you call yourself on your bullshit, knowing full well that plenty of people do what you can't seem to do?

Of course, all that negativity is the sad talking, methinks. I'll settle back into my new old routine in a week or two, and the sad will go away, and I'll figure it out. Or I'll keep on keeping on, but it won't make me sad.

But for now, I wallow. And try to figure out how to be good. At one thing. Or maybe two.

1 comment:

Elizabeth said...

Not to undermine your brand new resolution, but have you read Barbara Sher's book "Refuse to Choose?" I think you're quite possibly a born scanner (in her language) -- someone who has lots of interests and feels trapped by having to focus on just one -- and you shouldn't beat yourself up for that.